Today is one of those days where I wish I had all the answers. I really don't know what will happen but the most I can do is say it will be okay and things won't change. Well at least I know they won't change between us. I'm here for him until the end of time and that is the only thing I can guarentee.

(disclaimer: super long its kinda  a catch you up to speed post)

If you had asked me a little over a month ago what I thought about my life you probably would have gotten an eh response. I was super bummed from having to come home from the most amazing vacation at home and just not feeling my life at all. Of course most people didn't know. I showed hints here and there. I had problems that I would talk about with people. School, work, stress but not the real problem.

Flash back to October of 2009. I appeared to be this happy college student. I was living it up. I had an amazing job doing something I love. I was doing okay in school. I was letting myself slip but it had not reached a bad point yet. (we'll come back to that in a bit) However something was missing. I filled every hour of the day to keep myself from missing that one thing. The problem was how do you fill the nights? This was the period that I began a horrible sleeping patter of being up all night for days. I would get one and two hours of sleep here and there. Never a full 8 and hardly even 6 straight hours. Whenever this happens I know something is up. If you know me you know I enjoy my sleep. The truth was I didn't want to sleep because I didn't want to thing to dream. What I had in my head each night was impossible. This made the waking up to the life I was living suck ass. I didn't like waking up remembering what I had lost. Who wants to be reminded of that?

So when my body couldn't take any more of the sleep depravation I became a cold heartless bitch. I didn't care what went on with other people. My life was my life and I could have cared less if I hurt anyone else at those times. I did some things to dull the pain but nothing ever helped. Drinking just allowed me to sleep with out the dreams.

It took a while to realize what was wrong. I always just associate these things with the time of the year. October and November suck for me in general so I just waited it out. I thought for sure December would bring brighter days. Boy was I wrong. December just made things worse. It got so bad I was hurting the one group of people who meant anything to me at that moment. I was so mean and horrible. I wanted nothing more than to just leave everything behind. For the first time in years I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to sit there and be with people who cared. People who knew me for me. They know the vulnerable me and aren't annoyed by it. They know the crazy me and enjoy it. They know my quirks and traits. They know my heart to its core and most of all they know I'm broken. However that wasn't possible. With work and school I had to wait until January to go home. Oh boy did I wait. I waited so long that I couldn't stand it.

Finally I got to go home. Oh weren't those two weeks the best in a long time. I landed and was greeted by the most beautiful soul in the entire world. I didn't realize how much I truly truly missed Lynsi until her arms were back around me. Only one person in the world truly knows the connection I have with Lynsi and that is not even her. I'm just not ready to open that deep here guys sorry. That first night was one of those things I was missing. Lynsi and I stayed up all night. We ate french fries and watched old home videos. We talked about old times and our new lives. She shared with me how she said I saved her from all her stupidity and I told her she saved me. Lysni was the only friend who knew about the abuse who ever tried to do anything about it. Lynsi's home was my home. The love I feel there is insane and I wish my own brothers and father could show me that kind of love. That night I slept in Lynsi's bed for the first time in over 3 years. It didn't even bother me that she was just two inches away. Lynsi is just that friend that I feel safe with. The problem was I had to leave her. I had to go back to NYC and it just wasn't fair. At the end of my first week at home I got to hang out with Lysni again and this time we went drinking. That night I confessed something to her that for now stays between me and her and I guess now one other person. It was then I realized why I had been so down for so long. I had lost my core. I had lost that person who I was safe with. I had lost the person who filled the whole in my life. For so long I could count on Lynsi for anything. At three in the morning she would come to my rescue if I needed it. Even now I can text her and know I'll get a response asap. We are best fucking friends forever. That was what I was missing.

So I realized what I was missing but didn't know exactly how to fix it. You see I'm not the best in social situations. I'm normally either too talkative or shy. No real middle ground for me. I have a close friends here in NYC but none that I know with out a doubt would be there for the rest of my life. I could easily see my friendships in the city splitting and breaking. It was so apparent that I was begging to have panic attacks over it all. Then my life turned a corner. Through the craziest events in the world I met the most amazing soul I ever have. I met someone I felt safe with in a matter of hours instead of years. By the end of the weekend I was telling this poor boy my story. I had never done anything like that before. It was so thrilling. Craziest thing of all was he gave me glimpses into his life too. It wasn't a one way pity party it was a discussion. Never did I think a 2 hour bus ride would change my life. In the short time since I have know said individual my outlook on life completely has changed. Someone now not only accepts me but understands me. They don't judge and could careless what anyone else things. When I'm hurt they are hurting too and vise versa. When I'm happy, they are happy. It is crazy and hard to explain but it is perfect. No this isn't a relationship just a friendship but it feels like something deeper than just friendship. Maybe I don't have to word for it but who cares. It is there and it is amazing. I have never met someone and in a month can't imagine my future with out them. If I screw this one up I don't know what I'll do. I thought today what if in a few months he feels different. I know he won't but what if? I had to stop myself because that simple what if scared the hell out of me. I didn't want to think about it at all. I can't slip back into that whole of depression now that I have found my light at the end of the tunnel.

Now life is about living. I have my drive and passion back and it is amazing and invigorating.